Empty-nesting for beginners

The ‘empty-nest’ syndrome was a term first coined in the 1970s to describe the sadness and loneliness of parents, especially mothers, when their children left home. These feelings are as real now as they ever were, but just as life itself has changed so much over the last 40 years, so too, has empty nesting. For one thing, it tends to happen much later than it used to.

Nowadays, 34% of 18 to 29-year-old Australians still live at home, while in Italy a staggering 82 % of 30-year-old men still sit down to Mama’s cooking every evening.

There is another significant trend, too, where kids who’ve officially left home years or even decades before, periodically ricochet back to home base, often with partners and children in tow. Various terms are used to describe this phenomenon: ‘helicopter kids’, ‘boomerang kids’ or ‘homing pigeons’. But whatever you call it, this trend is on the increase world-wide and can create a real dilemma for some parents.

Many parents want to support the younger generation, who can often be doing it tough, but the older generation are also keen to get on with their own lives. One famous Australian mother – Kath, of Kath and Kim – had this to say about her daughter’s announcement that she was moving back home, “I’ve got ‘one word’ to say to you Kim - Pump and Pilates. Your bedroom is my exercise room. I’m enjoying being an empty-nester.”

Kath was a single parent. When there are two parents involved, things can get even more complicated, as they may well view their boomeranging kid in a completely different light. One parent may have a particular closeness to a child and therefore be delighted to have them return home. The other spouse may be looking forward to having his or her partner all to themselves.

Kids returning to share their adventures can provide a distraction in a dull marriage. This helps make sense of the recent trend towards later-life divorces – when the children finally do leave permanently, some couples realise their offspring were the only thing they had in common.

But sometimes the empty nest can represent a new beginning. As researchers at the Melbourne Women’s Mid-life Health Project found some years back, contrary to expectations, many women were not depressed when the nest eventually emptied. Some even reported improvements in their sex lives. That’s certainly cause for celebration.

Here are some tips for helping you make the most of your empty nest:

1. Explore the pros and cons of downsizing your home. If you opt to stay put, take the opportunity to revolutionise your use of space. Perhaps the time has come for an indoor gym, workshop, studio or meditation room.
2. If you are partnered, talk about it with your other half to ensure that if the kids do suggest returning you are on the same page. In particular, decide on what would be reasonable time lines for the stay and how you will both negotiate this with your children. If you are solo, think the boomeranging issue through in advance, so you have comfortable guidelines.
3. Use your spare hours to pursue your passions. Now might be the time to sign up for that pipeline dream hobby or to give bridge or paragliding a try.
4. If you are in a relationship, experiment with connecting in fresh ways, perhaps formally, via a relationship enrichment course, or informally, by taking turns initiating ‘play dates’ with each other.

Whatever you do, like Kath, embrace the upside of your empty-nesting.

What you need to know

This article contains general information only. It does not take into account your objectives, financial situation or needs. Please consider the appropriateness of the information in light of your personal circumstances. Although the information in this article was obtained from sources considered to be reliable, the information is not guaranteed to be accurate or complete. The information in this article is current as at June 2009 and may change over time.